I wish

I wish I knew what I can do to make my husbands pain go away. I see the hurt in his eyes just breaks my heart that I can't fix it. I wish I could bring our son back. I wish I could see my husband happy again, truly happy. I wish I had someone to talk to and just cry.

I miss you Ryan. Mommy and Daddy loves you and misses you so much.

Feeling Lost More and More

I have been thinking a lot lately, which is never good. I have been thinking I wish I was still talking to Ryan in my belly who would be 34 weeks tomorrow instead I constantly talk to his urn and kissing his urn. With the holidays coming closer and closer, I am dreading Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's I would have had a holiday baby. I am so heartbroken, I miss you so much Ryan. It's been raining almost nonstop since last night and it is my favorite type of weather. I also saw it as a sign that you are here surrounding me and comforting me especially now and it made me feel a little better.

I hate putting this mask for everyone else pretending I am okay, pretending I am not hurting anymore, pretending that I am happy and pretending that every birth and every pregnancy doesn't hurt me. Daddy has been so great Ryan, I don't know what I would have done without him. I can't wait for you to meet him someday. He still talks about you everyday, he regrets not being there for all the appointments I had with you because he was in Virginia. I wish we could have taken you home and watch you grow up instead you are up in heaven waiting for us to join you someday. While you are waiting for us up in heaven I know grandma and your great grand parents are there with you so I know you are in great hand until we are together again.

Good night my sweet angel. I miss you more than words can say.

This month has come and gone....

It has been a month since I blog. A month full of ups and downs more recently a lot of downs. As November creeps up on me day by day the worst I feel. Ryan would have been 33 weeks and 5 days, just 44 more days until he would have been here. I still blame myself for losing Ryan even though people say I was not my fault but I feel that I can never forgive myself for what happened.

This month's support group, one of the questions the counselor asked us "When you get pregnant again what gender would you like the baby to be?" At first I said a girl just because I was afraid that if my child were a boy I would be comparing him to his brother. Would have they look the same, their mannerisms and characteristics the same. I have actually thought about this a few times before but ultimately I just want a child that I can take home, a happy healthy baby. The support group has helped me a lot, I don't have to worry about people feeling sorry for me and I definitely don't have to worry about talking about my son without being awkward with so many people in my life it is like a taboo. I look forward to going every month I know the day is filled with a lot of emotions but it is my outlet and something I need more than ever.

I am on this online group called the bump and the board called "Trying to Conceive After Loss" (TTCAL) every chance I get I read their stories and getting to know them online. I see all these women so strong and trying to hard to have a baby to take home, it just breaks my heart that so many women have to go through losing a baby. Especially the ones who wants a baby so badly and who would be a great mother. I constantly think about these women, day after day and I also hope that one day hopefully soon they will get that chance to take home a healthy baby. Even though I don't post often I do give my support whenever I can. If I had one wish, I would wish all the ladies I know from that board would have a baby soon.

Last Thursday I was getting ready for bed and as usual I would set my alarm and then turn it off I guess I double-clicked it and my screen saver of Ryan turned on. I immediately started crying I tried to stay quiet because Steve was next to me watching TV but then he heard me and he pulled me close to him and asked what was wrong. I just told him I miss our little boy. We both just started crying.

A friend of mine is having her baby this Tuesday. She was about 6 weeks ahead of me while I am super happy for her I just feel so jealous, jealous not having the big belly, jealous of not having the stretch marks, jealous of not having heartburn, jealous of not having my hands and feet swelling, I would give anything to be pregnant with my son again. I don't know how I am going to handle it holding a new born while not pregnant myself. Her and her husband have been so great with us with so many losses we have been through just in the past few years not only with our son but with Steve's mother and grandparents passing away. Always there when I needed them and I hope they know how grateful I am having them in our lives. I hope someday I can thank them.