I have been thinking a lot lately, which is never good. I have been thinking I wish I was still talking to Ryan in my belly who would be 34 weeks tomorrow instead I constantly talk to his urn and kissing his urn. With the holidays coming closer and closer, I am dreading Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's I would have had a holiday baby. I am so heartbroken, I miss you so much Ryan. It's been raining almost nonstop since last night and it is my favorite type of weather. I also saw it as a sign that you are here surrounding me and comforting me especially now and it made me feel a little better.
I hate putting this mask for everyone else pretending I am okay, pretending I am not hurting anymore, pretending that I am happy and pretending that every birth and every pregnancy doesn't hurt me. Daddy has been so great Ryan, I don't know what I would have done without him. I can't wait for you to meet him someday. He still talks about you everyday, he regrets not being there for all the appointments I had with you because he was in Virginia. I wish we could have taken you home and watch you grow up instead you are up in heaven waiting for us to join you someday. While you are waiting for us up in heaven I know grandma and your great grand parents are there with you so I know you are in great hand until we are together again.
Good night my sweet angel. I miss you more than words can say.
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