27 weeks... today

I would have been 27 weeks today. It would have been my first week of my 3rd trimester. I miss you Ryan. Today I woke up thinking about our future house and how I want to remember you. I want to have a built-in shelf or a huge book case with a shelf just for you. I would like to place your urn and your toys there. Also a few of your pictures and other stuff that we may buy in the future.

It is still difficult losing you. Still difficult thinking about how you would have been growing up. Daddy talks about you all the time. He bought you Bumblebee from Transformers, he spent a long time picking out a toy for you. Just as I know he would have done if you were still alive. Some days are better than others and some days I can't even think about the next day or even the next hour. My heart hurts still and I don't think my heart will ever be the same. I wish things were different, I wish you were still in my belly growing. I just miss you so much it hurts to feel anything.

I miss you so much sweetheart. I love you and I will always love you.

1 month

It's been 1 month today. I still have vivid dreams of the night you were born. The night you left us to go to heaven. You were so small in my hands, so fragile. I felt your sudden movements, clinging on to life. I did not know what to do to help you hold on. The lessons you have taught me will keep me strong. You have taught me how to love unconditionally. You have taught me life is so short and to cherish every moment. Also, no matter what happens in life I have you and daddy to make everything worth while.

I can't seem to start your scrapbook or baby book, every time I start I cry. I am trying to get ideas for your name. Like names in the sand and maybe some wristbands. I am trying to find a nice wooden box to put you in with your name and DoD on it. Thinking of other toys we can buy you too! Daddy and I are planning to buy you a Christmas stocking and an ornament with your name on it. We have also made key chains of your name or initials. I am trying to find stones that have I can spell your name too but it is so hard to find. Don't worry I will find them!

I am doing better but sometimes it is hard. Especially when I wake up I rub my belly and ask why you aren't in there growing like you are suppose to be. Sometimes I hope that I am dreaming and I would wake up and find you back in my belly and being almost 7 months! Sometimes I ask why did this have to happen and no one answers me. I would have been showing right about now and feeling you kick. Sometimes I feel so angry for everything that has happened. I am mad that everyone around me is pregnant and I am not. I am mad that everyone around me has beautiful healthy babies/kids and I don't. Life seems so unfair sometimes. The one thing I want most in this world I can't have here with me! I miss you Ryan.

WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN????