1 month

It's been 1 month today. I still have vivid dreams of the night you were born. The night you left us to go to heaven. You were so small in my hands, so fragile. I felt your sudden movements, clinging on to life. I did not know what to do to help you hold on. The lessons you have taught me will keep me strong. You have taught me how to love unconditionally. You have taught me life is so short and to cherish every moment. Also, no matter what happens in life I have you and daddy to make everything worth while.

I can't seem to start your scrapbook or baby book, every time I start I cry. I am trying to get ideas for your name. Like names in the sand and maybe some wristbands. I am trying to find a nice wooden box to put you in with your name and DoD on it. Thinking of other toys we can buy you too! Daddy and I are planning to buy you a Christmas stocking and an ornament with your name on it. We have also made key chains of your name or initials. I am trying to find stones that have I can spell your name too but it is so hard to find. Don't worry I will find them!

I am doing better but sometimes it is hard. Especially when I wake up I rub my belly and ask why you aren't in there growing like you are suppose to be. Sometimes I hope that I am dreaming and I would wake up and find you back in my belly and being almost 7 months! Sometimes I ask why did this have to happen and no one answers me. I would have been showing right about now and feeling you kick. Sometimes I feel so angry for everything that has happened. I am mad that everyone around me is pregnant and I am not. I am mad that everyone around me has beautiful healthy babies/kids and I don't. Life seems so unfair sometimes. The one thing I want most in this world I can't have here with me! I miss you Ryan.

WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN????