9 months

It has been 9 months since I last held you. It has been 9 months since I last kissed you. I have thought of you everyday. I know daddy thinks of you often. I know you are in heaven with grandma Pat and today is her birthday. I know both of you are enjoying the view from heaven. We miss you both terribly but I am also happy you are not alone. Grandma would have been 50 today. Daddy misses her so much but like me he is happy you two can keep each other company.

We love and miss you everyday my little monkey! (knuckle bump)

Writing down how I feel

My cousin thought that I needed to write my feelings down.

I am scared of my pregnancy. I am scared of the same end result. I am scared I am not going to take home my second baby. I have built this wall around me to keep my happiness at bay.

I have an appointment for an NT scan hopefully next week then I can schedule my cerclage with my doctor the following week. I have a follow-up appointment a week after my cerclage. February 28 will be the beginning of my 2nd trimester.

6 months....

Where has the time gone? My beautiful son would have been almost 2 months old. I think of you everyday and daddy talks about you all the time. I haven't talk to any of my family since November. I have alienated my friends or they just had enough of me that they stop trying to contact me. I want this new year to be different. I want to have a positive outlook on life and our road to being parents again. I want to do more things as this will be the last full year we will be in SC. I want to be a better wife to my husband, who has been my rock through everything that has happened. I love him so much.

First ornament we found at the Navy Exchange, it was perfect. The ornament had the year and it says "Our Little Angel." I think it was the perfect ornament a baby sleeping in heaven. The other is a washer that I used as an ornament. The washer came from a friend from a message board for women who is trying to conceive again after losing a child. A friend that I have never met before but took the time to make this washer to remember our son, thank you Keona means a lot to me.

We love and miss you Ryan! Someday we will meet each other again. (knuckle bump)