4th of July the day we had to let go.

630 am ~ finally getting my IV out. Whoa. Then all the emotions started to flood again. Today they were taking my son and I was being discharged. I woke Steve up and it seemed like he knew what I was thinking. He got up and got himself situated. He said good morning to his son and kissed him. He got up and helped me go to the bathroom and again changing my lining which I really didn't need it. I wasn't going sit back on the bed.

My doctor had came in about 8am and said that I was going to be discharged today and to see him in 4 weeks. He asked me if I had any questions so I asked him about my pain, how long the bleeding will last and how long after until we can start trying. I know it seems a slap in the face to my son asking my doctor how long until we can try again but I knew my son would understand. Ryan would want a sibling to look after and protect. I have reminded him constantly that he would not be replaced and he would always be the big brother. I also remind him that all his siblings (however many he and God bless us with) will know him and love him.

Then the thing I dreaded the most, talking to the nurse. She informed me that we had to set a time to say goodbye because if we didn't we would have stayed with him for 2 more weeks or even more. After I had some more papers to sign in respect to what we would do with Ryan's body. We had decided to cremate him and later bury him in California. If he was here no one would even visit him after we had left. I think it is only fair that he would be closer to us and be with other family. We had Ryan's remains release to McAlister & Smith, they did cremate babies for free and the only fee we would pay would be his urn. She didn't sugar coat anything and gave it to us straight. That is what I liked about the L&D nurse she was straightforward but still with compassion. I had set at time for here to pick up Ryan and requested that someone would check in on Ryan if they had the time. I hated leaving him in the hospital alone not knowing where we were or why he was alone. I wish we were there every step of the way. So we had set on a time 11:15 that gave us about 2 hours with him. Also we got ready packing our stuff and fixing up the place and a CNA came in to bring in my lunch. Steve and I just spent our time with Ryan after a few pictures I finally noticed that we were all wearing green. Took a few more pictures and we said our goodbye. It was one of the toughest things I have done. I couldn't believe we were saying goodbye. It would be the last time we saw him in our arms. I am so glad the hospital let us keep 2 set of hat and gown he wore. Also we "took" his blanket 2 sets also and the yellow blanket he was wrapped in. We cried for so long I didn't know if this pain would ever stop or when I would see my son again. Though he is gone now I hope he knows that his father and I are always thinking of him and we are waiting for the day we will all reunite. Also hope that some day he will bless us with children that he can watch over and protect.

After L&D nurse took him we tried to pick ourselves up and try to get ready. We ate our food/leftovers. Then the nurse gave me my prescriptions and shot. Steve had gone ahead and took some stuff in the car then came back up gathered more stuff and I got situated on the wheelchair. As I was being wheeled out I just thought to myself, "wow I was in my room for 2 days without stepping out my door not even once." As we were heading down the elevator and out of the hospital I thanked Kelly for taking care of all three of us. As Steve headed to the car I was with Kelly and she said to stay strong and don't lose hope. I asked her if she could look after Ryan or check on him when she could. Again I thanked her and gave her a big hug as Steve came up in front of the hospital. Kelly and Steve helped me in and I waved good-bye. I felt a piece of my heart stayed with Ryan that day. I began to cry as we left Trident Hospital.

As I write the events that has happened for the pass 3 days, I can still feel the pain in my hand where the IV's use to be. It's is still a painful reminder of my time in the hospital but also a happy time that for 3 short days I was with my son.