July 3 (steve's birthday)

Steve's birthday ~ I know it was one of the worse day ever yet best day in a small way. I had waken up around 6am for another round of antibiotic (3rd bag) my right hand has been on IV for over 24 hours now. Jeez at this point I can't hold anything or squeeze my hand. For most of the day was slow but I was not complaining. I was being cleared to shower! I was sweating profusely throughout the night. CNA comes in and takes my vitals and gives me my breakfast. Mmm eating watery eggs and sausage, cornbread muffin wasn't that bad though.

After eating for 30mins while Steve spent time with Ryan he laid him gently down on his bassinet and said "I will be back I need to help mommy shower." I tried my hardest to do everything on my own so Ryan wouldn't be alone. Steve got my clothes ready new gown, socks, and see through mesh underwear. Changed my lining on my bed, bleeding has slowed down but still needed a lining. Before I hopped in the shower Steve had helped me take off my clothes and helped me in. I was so embarrassed to undress in the condition I was in especially all the blood. Steve offered to help me with my whole shower but I tried my hardest to shower on my own. He helped me at the end of my shower. He helped me wash my hand with the IV and helped me wash my legs since I was still sore and I couldn't not bend down completely. He helped me get out and dried me off. He helped me with my pad and mesh underwear and dressed me.

Steve got me situated on the couch always trying to get me to drink a lot of water. I asked him to get Ryan and place him in my arms. Though I was still tired and weak I wanted to hold my son. Steve took a shower for about 10 mins and during that time my nurse came in and took off the bag she had put around my hand so I could take a shower then hooked my IV back again. As Steve came out lunch was here and my family had came and drop me off a late breakfast.

My family didn't stay long saw my cousin Kristine and her husband. As they were visiting my doctor had walked in and said he is keeping me another day. At first I was sad I wanted to go home on the other hand I was happy I had another day to spend with Ryan. I know all my family was scared to see Ryan and I was okay with that. I am the first of my family to have a miscarriage. So I was still kept on my antibiotics and low and behold here comes my 12pm dose.

Steve had went down to the gift shop that he had mention and he wanted to get a gift for Ryan and got a bear that played a melody and moved his head. Made me cry everytime it played. The bear was actually bigger than him. Steve didn't want to leave our side even to get more ice which was frequently because he loved hospital ice. He would say "I will be back Ryan, I am just getting more ice" or "I am going to get you something in the gift shop." Steve would always explain where he was going and that he would be right back.

Finally asked for some pain medication I found out I had an unlimited amount of pain medication at my disposal yet I did not take much. I tried to manage my pain as best as I could only received it the night before with my stool softener yet I didn't have a BM until I was home. For most of the afternoon we were together as a family with little interruptions from my nurse to give my pain meds and another antibiotic bag and the CNA who brought my dinner. Steve taking more pictures of Ryan which I loved or just talking to him and more crying was involved. While Steve was talking to Ryan I texted my cousin telling her to bake some chocolate chip cookies for Steve's birthday and as with all my request they did. They had came about 9pm and as always they did not stay long. Everyone came they finally saw Ryan they seemed to be scared because he was not alive and yet he was still in my room. I don't know.




They had came in with a cookie cake and sang him "happy birthday" He blew out his candle and everyone had a cookie. I tried to make his birthday memorable and his son was there to celebrate it. Not the way we would have wanted but he was there and that was important. As they left we started to eat the food they brought us since I could not eat once again my strength had gone down as well.

We had noticed that Ryan's clothes were being soaked by the fluids and blood escaping him so Steve had went and found a nurse in L&D to get us some new diaper and shirt. As much as I wanted to help change his diaper my failing strength had stopped me. So I opted to guide Steve and to take pictures because it was all I could do. It was his first time changing a diaper and he did it perfectly well. Took a picture of everything from start to finish. When he was finish he had posted this on FB

"I just changed my first diaper! Was nervous and no I didn't barf. It felt so good and made me so proud of Ryan. I now know the feeling of love for ones child. We love you and surely will miss you. We will be together again someday."

I am so proud of Steve he did great with everything from the time he arrived. He is so supportive and helpful. I know our son is very, very proud of his father. Like Steve's sister said "he truly lived up to his husband title and I know mom is proud of him, I know I am." He really did live up to his husband and father title. I don't know what I would have done without him. As the night started get later and later we were falling asleep running about 7 hours off sleep. Still trying to fight of sleeping and next thing I knew it was 630am! 4th of July.