every direction. As we were waiting for my prescriptions we decided to walk around and of course there were was a baby aisle. I wanted to see it just to torture myself. I saw some croc sandals for babies I wanted to get Ryan when he was a little older. Made me very sad. Steve and I just talked and I don't know what I would have done without him. He helped me get through my pain without the pity others have given me.We looked at detergent so we could get the blood and fluid stains off the blankets and clothes when we got home. I got my prescriptions then headed to my uncle's house. I was so sore I walked so slow. My uncle Dennis helped me in the house and Steve followed. We sat down and watched Parent Trap and was fed Kare-Kare one of my favorite Filipino dish. At first they fed me fish ball soup, the smell was SOOO bad! I refused to eat it. The movie was about done and I told Steve I wanted to go home for a little bit before coming back at my uncles house for fireworks.
As we pulled up to our house I could tell the marks of the gurney on my lawn and blood streaks left in front of our house made by the streaks of the the gurney. I came home floor was clean and carpet vacuumed. Thanks to my aunts and uncle who came and clean the floors and not have to burden Steve with all the cleaning. As I sat down all the flashbacks of all the events that early morning came to me. Also seeing the tiny splatters of blood on the wall that was missed my my family was the tipping point. I cried and blamed myself for not protecting my son, blamed myself for not saving him, blaming myself for not doing more. My husband held me in his arms and cried with me. With the few hours that we were at the house I was just in the state of shock. My stomach was empty and what was I to do?
A friend of mine texted and asked if we were home and I said yes. I invited her over and she seemed very timid. I understood, she too is expecting her first child in October just 6 weeks before I was due. I had told her what happened and semi-sugar coat it so she would not cry. After she was there I was about to leave for my uncles house again and she was on her way to our friends house for a 4th of July celebration. I was invited but I was not ready for semi-strangers I just wanted something low-key.
As I was sitting at my uncles house it was hard to think with all the talking and gossip so it made the night a bit easier. More and more fireworks were being set off, I wanted to go for a walk. Though I wasn't suppose to walk far and being the stubborn person I am I still went. Steve and I just went to the end of the block and back just talking about Ryan and when would be a good time to try again. I brought up the question which Steve is very understanding and said "whenever you are ready" I have want to try as soon as possible but I also wondered what would people think if tried soon? would they think we forgot about Ryan? I am also skeptical about sharing our future pregnancy too. Not because I am ashamed of our pregnancy but because I am afraid of history repeating itself. We wouldn't announce the pregnancy until between my 25th week and 30th week.
As our walk came to an end at my uncles' driveway, I wanted to watch more fireworks being set off. Steve went and got us some chairs and just sat by the driveway. Still talking about Ryan and future pregnancies. Ryan would be a great big brother and he would protect his future siblings. We promised him that they would know Ryan as their big brother and no one would ever replace him. Our first born.... we love and miss you dearly my sweet boy.
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