Writing down how I feel

My cousin thought that I needed to write my feelings down.

I am scared of my pregnancy. I am scared of the same end result. I am scared I am not going to take home my second baby. I have built this wall around me to keep my happiness at bay.

I have an appointment for an NT scan hopefully next week then I can schedule my cerclage with my doctor the following week. I have a follow-up appointment a week after my cerclage. February 28 will be the beginning of my 2nd trimester.

6 months....

Where has the time gone? My beautiful son would have been almost 2 months old. I think of you everyday and daddy talks about you all the time. I haven't talk to any of my family since November. I have alienated my friends or they just had enough of me that they stop trying to contact me. I want this new year to be different. I want to have a positive outlook on life and our road to being parents again. I want to do more things as this will be the last full year we will be in SC. I want to be a better wife to my husband, who has been my rock through everything that has happened. I love him so much.

First ornament we found at the Navy Exchange, it was perfect. The ornament had the year and it says "Our Little Angel." I think it was the perfect ornament a baby sleeping in heaven. The other is a washer that I used as an ornament. The washer came from a friend from a message board for women who is trying to conceive again after losing a child. A friend that I have never met before but took the time to make this washer to remember our son, thank you Keona means a lot to me.

We love and miss you Ryan! Someday we will meet each other again. (knuckle bump)

5 months and I forgot.....

I completely forgot about Ryan being gone 5 months yesterday. I was so into being busy all week trying no to think about things and I suppose I succeeded. UGH. Last night after I finish inputting some information into my phone I realized it was the 2nd! I started to cry uncontrollably and woke up Steve. Of course he is so amazing he comforted me and reminded that we won't forget him. Steve had to wake up super early and I understood that he fell asleep. I felt better after talking to him and I quietly cried myself to sleep.

I don't know how it slipped my mind! I feel like crap.

 

We miss you so much little angel. We love you Ryan.

Less than a week away....

I am dreading my EDD. My thoughts are all over the place. I miss you so much Ryan. I hope one day I will see you again. Daddy and I talk about you at least once a day. Somehow your name always comes up like if you would watch Phineas and Ferb or if you would be a quiet kid. Anything that reminds us of you we bring it up.

I am so scared for next week I don't know if I am going to freak out or cry all day. Not one of my family remembers. I feel angry because no one remembers. I feel sad that he is not acknowledge. I feel hurt that not one person from my family asked if we had buried him or cremated him. REALLY.


I think I went back to the things I hope I would never do again.
*Playing hours of video games - nonstop
*Not texting my friends/family (never like talking on the phone)
*Stopped being active (bike rides, basketball, playing catch, walking around the neighborhood).
*Being anti-social

3 months

It has been 3 months since you been gone. I did finally change my profile picture on facebook for the "I am the face" campaign. I felt really good after, so far no comment on my profile picture. Next month is your EDD I don't know if I can handle it. I am still struggling, I am still in pain and I think only daddy knows this and a few people that reads this. Sometimes I keep it from daddy because I don't want to add more to his pain.

I wish things were different.

We miss and love you very much baby boy.

I wish

I wish I knew what I can do to make my husbands pain go away. I see the hurt in his eyes just breaks my heart that I can't fix it. I wish I could bring our son back. I wish I could see my husband happy again, truly happy. I wish I had someone to talk to and just cry.

I miss you Ryan. Mommy and Daddy loves you and misses you so much.

Feeling Lost More and More

I have been thinking a lot lately, which is never good. I have been thinking I wish I was still talking to Ryan in my belly who would be 34 weeks tomorrow instead I constantly talk to his urn and kissing his urn. With the holidays coming closer and closer, I am dreading Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's I would have had a holiday baby. I am so heartbroken, I miss you so much Ryan. It's been raining almost nonstop since last night and it is my favorite type of weather. I also saw it as a sign that you are here surrounding me and comforting me especially now and it made me feel a little better.

I hate putting this mask for everyone else pretending I am okay, pretending I am not hurting anymore, pretending that I am happy and pretending that every birth and every pregnancy doesn't hurt me. Daddy has been so great Ryan, I don't know what I would have done without him. I can't wait for you to meet him someday. He still talks about you everyday, he regrets not being there for all the appointments I had with you because he was in Virginia. I wish we could have taken you home and watch you grow up instead you are up in heaven waiting for us to join you someday. While you are waiting for us up in heaven I know grandma and your great grand parents are there with you so I know you are in great hand until we are together again.

Good night my sweet angel. I miss you more than words can say.

This month has come and gone....

It has been a month since I blog. A month full of ups and downs more recently a lot of downs. As November creeps up on me day by day the worst I feel. Ryan would have been 33 weeks and 5 days, just 44 more days until he would have been here. I still blame myself for losing Ryan even though people say I was not my fault but I feel that I can never forgive myself for what happened.

This month's support group, one of the questions the counselor asked us "When you get pregnant again what gender would you like the baby to be?" At first I said a girl just because I was afraid that if my child were a boy I would be comparing him to his brother. Would have they look the same, their mannerisms and characteristics the same. I have actually thought about this a few times before but ultimately I just want a child that I can take home, a happy healthy baby. The support group has helped me a lot, I don't have to worry about people feeling sorry for me and I definitely don't have to worry about talking about my son without being awkward with so many people in my life it is like a taboo. I look forward to going every month I know the day is filled with a lot of emotions but it is my outlet and something I need more than ever.

I am on this online group called the bump and the board called "Trying to Conceive After Loss" (TTCAL) every chance I get I read their stories and getting to know them online. I see all these women so strong and trying to hard to have a baby to take home, it just breaks my heart that so many women have to go through losing a baby. Especially the ones who wants a baby so badly and who would be a great mother. I constantly think about these women, day after day and I also hope that one day hopefully soon they will get that chance to take home a healthy baby. Even though I don't post often I do give my support whenever I can. If I had one wish, I would wish all the ladies I know from that board would have a baby soon.

Last Thursday I was getting ready for bed and as usual I would set my alarm and then turn it off I guess I double-clicked it and my screen saver of Ryan turned on. I immediately started crying I tried to stay quiet because Steve was next to me watching TV but then he heard me and he pulled me close to him and asked what was wrong. I just told him I miss our little boy. We both just started crying.

A friend of mine is having her baby this Tuesday. She was about 6 weeks ahead of me while I am super happy for her I just feel so jealous, jealous not having the big belly, jealous of not having the stretch marks, jealous of not having heartburn, jealous of not having my hands and feet swelling, I would give anything to be pregnant with my son again. I don't know how I am going to handle it holding a new born while not pregnant myself. Her and her husband have been so great with us with so many losses we have been through just in the past few years not only with our son but with Steve's mother and grandparents passing away. Always there when I needed them and I hope they know how grateful I am having them in our lives. I hope someday I can thank them.

27 weeks... today

I would have been 27 weeks today. It would have been my first week of my 3rd trimester. I miss you Ryan. Today I woke up thinking about our future house and how I want to remember you. I want to have a built-in shelf or a huge book case with a shelf just for you. I would like to place your urn and your toys there. Also a few of your pictures and other stuff that we may buy in the future.

It is still difficult losing you. Still difficult thinking about how you would have been growing up. Daddy talks about you all the time. He bought you Bumblebee from Transformers, he spent a long time picking out a toy for you. Just as I know he would have done if you were still alive. Some days are better than others and some days I can't even think about the next day or even the next hour. My heart hurts still and I don't think my heart will ever be the same. I wish things were different, I wish you were still in my belly growing. I just miss you so much it hurts to feel anything.

I miss you so much sweetheart. I love you and I will always love you.

1 month

It's been 1 month today. I still have vivid dreams of the night you were born. The night you left us to go to heaven. You were so small in my hands, so fragile. I felt your sudden movements, clinging on to life. I did not know what to do to help you hold on. The lessons you have taught me will keep me strong. You have taught me how to love unconditionally. You have taught me life is so short and to cherish every moment. Also, no matter what happens in life I have you and daddy to make everything worth while.

I can't seem to start your scrapbook or baby book, every time I start I cry. I am trying to get ideas for your name. Like names in the sand and maybe some wristbands. I am trying to find a nice wooden box to put you in with your name and DoD on it. Thinking of other toys we can buy you too! Daddy and I are planning to buy you a Christmas stocking and an ornament with your name on it. We have also made key chains of your name or initials. I am trying to find stones that have I can spell your name too but it is so hard to find. Don't worry I will find them!

I am doing better but sometimes it is hard. Especially when I wake up I rub my belly and ask why you aren't in there growing like you are suppose to be. Sometimes I hope that I am dreaming and I would wake up and find you back in my belly and being almost 7 months! Sometimes I ask why did this have to happen and no one answers me. I would have been showing right about now and feeling you kick. Sometimes I feel so angry for everything that has happened. I am mad that everyone around me is pregnant and I am not. I am mad that everyone around me has beautiful healthy babies/kids and I don't. Life seems so unfair sometimes. The one thing I want most in this world I can't have here with me! I miss you Ryan.

WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN????

4 Weeks... Already

Daddy came home Tuesday with your urn. For some reason I felt lonely when you were with daddy. I am glad you are back with me and in less than a week daddy will be home. This week has been a little rough, most times I am alone with my thoughts. Thinking about all the plans we had for you like visiting California, meeting your aunties and other family. Thinking about how you would be here just in time for the holidays. Daddy talks about dressing up in a Santa suit. Now our plans are different we plan on buying you your own Christmas stocking and your own ornament. I hope you will like it.

We are planning on going to the beach sometime soon. We are doing the names in the sand for you and other angel babies. I am excited to do this for you. I miss you so much my sweet angel.

3 weeks of nothing.

I miss you more and more everyday Ryan.

Milestones I should have celebrated are long gone. This week I would have been 6 months pregnant with you baby boy but instead I count the weeks since you have been gone. As the days go by and your daddy is not here just reminds me of how alone I feel. I use to talk to my belly hoping you would hear, now I talk to your picture hoping you can hear me from where you are. This constant numbing pain I feel seems to just grow. So many things goes through my mind and all I could come up with is that "It's my fault, I was the only one who could protect you. My only job and I failed." I don't know how to let that go. All I can do now is ask for your forgiveness. I am sorry Ryan. I miss you so much.

Leaving the hospital (4th of July)

Leaving the hospital was one of the most painful days of my life. Leaving Ryan, my little boy, all alone. We had to get my prescriptions for pain and my doctor thought that I was getting a cold(great something else to knock me over, sometimes I feel I am always being pushed to the ground). So we stopped by the CVS Pharmacy which was about 5 blocks from the hospital so we decided to get it there instead of the Navy Pharmacy which would have been open the next day and about a 45 minute drive. We took a wrong turn and Steve drove through a DEEP ditch(something I wasn't expecting especially getting out of the hospital). We felt like a toy being swayed in every direction. As we were waiting for my prescriptions we decided to walk around and of course there were was a baby aisle. I wanted to see it just to torture myself. I saw some croc sandals for babies I wanted to get Ryan when he was a little older. Made me very sad. Steve and I just talked and I don't know what I would have done without him. He helped me get through my pain without the pity others have given me.

We looked at detergent so we could get the blood and fluid stains off the blankets and clothes when we got home. I got my prescriptions then headed to my uncle's house. I was so sore I walked so slow. My uncle Dennis helped me in the house and Steve followed. We sat down and watched Parent Trap and was fed Kare-Kare one of my favorite Filipino dish. At first they fed me fish ball soup, the smell was SOOO bad! I refused to eat it. The movie was about done and I told Steve I wanted to go home for a little bit before coming back at my uncles house for fireworks.

As we pulled up to our house I could tell the marks of the gurney on my lawn and blood streaks left in front of our house made by the streaks of the the gurney. I came home floor was clean and carpet vacuumed. Thanks to my aunts and uncle who came and clean the floors and not have to burden Steve with all the cleaning. As I sat down all the flashbacks of all the events that early morning came to me. Also seeing the tiny splatters of blood on the wall that was missed my my family was the tipping point. I cried and blamed myself for not protecting my son, blamed myself for not saving him, blaming myself for not doing more. My husband held me in his arms and cried with me. With the few hours that we were at the house I was just in the state of shock. My stomach was empty and what was I to do?

A friend of mine texted and asked if we were home and I said yes. I invited her over and she seemed very timid. I understood, she too is expecting her first child in October just 6 weeks before I was due. I had told her what happened and semi-sugar coat it so she would not cry. After she was there I was about to leave for my uncles house again and she was on her way to our friends house for a 4th of July celebration. I was invited but I was not ready for semi-strangers I just wanted something low-key.

As I was sitting at my uncles house it was hard to think with all the talking and gossip so it made the night a bit easier. More and more fireworks were being set off, I wanted to go for a walk. Though I wasn't suppose to walk far and being the stubborn person I am I still went. Steve and I just went to the end of the block and back just talking about Ryan and when would be a good time to try again. I brought up the question which Steve is very understanding and said "whenever you are ready" I have want to try as soon as possible but I also wondered what would people think if tried soon? would they think we forgot about Ryan? I am also skeptical about sharing our future pregnancy too. Not because I am ashamed of our pregnancy but because I am afraid of history repeating itself. We wouldn't announce the pregnancy until between my 25th week and 30th week.

As our walk came to an end at my uncles' driveway, I wanted to watch more fireworks being set off. Steve went and got us some chairs and just sat by the driveway. Still talking about Ryan and future pregnancies. Ryan would be a great big brother and he would protect his future siblings. We promised him that they would know Ryan as their big brother and no one would ever replace him. Our first born.... we love and miss you dearly my sweet boy.

4th of July the day we had to let go.

630 am ~ finally getting my IV out. Whoa. Then all the emotions started to flood again. Today they were taking my son and I was being discharged. I woke Steve up and it seemed like he knew what I was thinking. He got up and got himself situated. He said good morning to his son and kissed him. He got up and helped me go to the bathroom and again changing my lining which I really didn't need it. I wasn't going sit back on the bed.

My doctor had came in about 8am and said that I was going to be discharged today and to see him in 4 weeks. He asked me if I had any questions so I asked him about my pain, how long the bleeding will last and how long after until we can start trying. I know it seems a slap in the face to my son asking my doctor how long until we can try again but I knew my son would understand. Ryan would want a sibling to look after and protect. I have reminded him constantly that he would not be replaced and he would always be the big brother. I also remind him that all his siblings (however many he and God bless us with) will know him and love him.

Then the thing I dreaded the most, talking to the nurse. She informed me that we had to set a time to say goodbye because if we didn't we would have stayed with him for 2 more weeks or even more. After I had some more papers to sign in respect to what we would do with Ryan's body. We had decided to cremate him and later bury him in California. If he was here no one would even visit him after we had left. I think it is only fair that he would be closer to us and be with other family. We had Ryan's remains release to McAlister & Smith, they did cremate babies for free and the only fee we would pay would be his urn. She didn't sugar coat anything and gave it to us straight. That is what I liked about the L&D nurse she was straightforward but still with compassion. I had set at time for here to pick up Ryan and requested that someone would check in on Ryan if they had the time. I hated leaving him in the hospital alone not knowing where we were or why he was alone. I wish we were there every step of the way. So we had set on a time 11:15 that gave us about 2 hours with him. Also we got ready packing our stuff and fixing up the place and a CNA came in to bring in my lunch. Steve and I just spent our time with Ryan after a few pictures I finally noticed that we were all wearing green. Took a few more pictures and we said our goodbye. It was one of the toughest things I have done. I couldn't believe we were saying goodbye. It would be the last time we saw him in our arms. I am so glad the hospital let us keep 2 set of hat and gown he wore. Also we "took" his blanket 2 sets also and the yellow blanket he was wrapped in. We cried for so long I didn't know if this pain would ever stop or when I would see my son again. Though he is gone now I hope he knows that his father and I are always thinking of him and we are waiting for the day we will all reunite. Also hope that some day he will bless us with children that he can watch over and protect.

After L&D nurse took him we tried to pick ourselves up and try to get ready. We ate our food/leftovers. Then the nurse gave me my prescriptions and shot. Steve had gone ahead and took some stuff in the car then came back up gathered more stuff and I got situated on the wheelchair. As I was being wheeled out I just thought to myself, "wow I was in my room for 2 days without stepping out my door not even once." As we were heading down the elevator and out of the hospital I thanked Kelly for taking care of all three of us. As Steve headed to the car I was with Kelly and she said to stay strong and don't lose hope. I asked her if she could look after Ryan or check on him when she could. Again I thanked her and gave her a big hug as Steve came up in front of the hospital. Kelly and Steve helped me in and I waved good-bye. I felt a piece of my heart stayed with Ryan that day. I began to cry as we left Trident Hospital.

As I write the events that has happened for the pass 3 days, I can still feel the pain in my hand where the IV's use to be. It's is still a painful reminder of my time in the hospital but also a happy time that for 3 short days I was with my son.

July 3 (steve's birthday)

Steve's birthday ~ I know it was one of the worse day ever yet best day in a small way. I had waken up around 6am for another round of antibiotic (3rd bag) my right hand has been on IV for over 24 hours now. Jeez at this point I can't hold anything or squeeze my hand. For most of the day was slow but I was not complaining. I was being cleared to shower! I was sweating profusely throughout the night. CNA comes in and takes my vitals and gives me my breakfast. Mmm eating watery eggs and sausage, cornbread muffin wasn't that bad though.

After eating for 30mins while Steve spent time with Ryan he laid him gently down on his bassinet and said "I will be back I need to help mommy shower." I tried my hardest to do everything on my own so Ryan wouldn't be alone. Steve got my clothes ready new gown, socks, and see through mesh underwear. Changed my lining on my bed, bleeding has slowed down but still needed a lining. Before I hopped in the shower Steve had helped me take off my clothes and helped me in. I was so embarrassed to undress in the condition I was in especially all the blood. Steve offered to help me with my whole shower but I tried my hardest to shower on my own. He helped me at the end of my shower. He helped me wash my hand with the IV and helped me wash my legs since I was still sore and I couldn't not bend down completely. He helped me get out and dried me off. He helped me with my pad and mesh underwear and dressed me.

Steve got me situated on the couch always trying to get me to drink a lot of water. I asked him to get Ryan and place him in my arms. Though I was still tired and weak I wanted to hold my son. Steve took a shower for about 10 mins and during that time my nurse came in and took off the bag she had put around my hand so I could take a shower then hooked my IV back again. As Steve came out lunch was here and my family had came and drop me off a late breakfast.

My family didn't stay long saw my cousin Kristine and her husband. As they were visiting my doctor had walked in and said he is keeping me another day. At first I was sad I wanted to go home on the other hand I was happy I had another day to spend with Ryan. I know all my family was scared to see Ryan and I was okay with that. I am the first of my family to have a miscarriage. So I was still kept on my antibiotics and low and behold here comes my 12pm dose.

Steve had went down to the gift shop that he had mention and he wanted to get a gift for Ryan and got a bear that played a melody and moved his head. Made me cry everytime it played. The bear was actually bigger than him. Steve didn't want to leave our side even to get more ice which was frequently because he loved hospital ice. He would say "I will be back Ryan, I am just getting more ice" or "I am going to get you something in the gift shop." Steve would always explain where he was going and that he would be right back.

Finally asked for some pain medication I found out I had an unlimited amount of pain medication at my disposal yet I did not take much. I tried to manage my pain as best as I could only received it the night before with my stool softener yet I didn't have a BM until I was home. For most of the afternoon we were together as a family with little interruptions from my nurse to give my pain meds and another antibiotic bag and the CNA who brought my dinner. Steve taking more pictures of Ryan which I loved or just talking to him and more crying was involved. While Steve was talking to Ryan I texted my cousin telling her to bake some chocolate chip cookies for Steve's birthday and as with all my request they did. They had came about 9pm and as always they did not stay long. Everyone came they finally saw Ryan they seemed to be scared because he was not alive and yet he was still in my room. I don't know.




They had came in with a cookie cake and sang him "happy birthday" He blew out his candle and everyone had a cookie. I tried to make his birthday memorable and his son was there to celebrate it. Not the way we would have wanted but he was there and that was important. As they left we started to eat the food they brought us since I could not eat once again my strength had gone down as well.

We had noticed that Ryan's clothes were being soaked by the fluids and blood escaping him so Steve had went and found a nurse in L&D to get us some new diaper and shirt. As much as I wanted to help change his diaper my failing strength had stopped me. So I opted to guide Steve and to take pictures because it was all I could do. It was his first time changing a diaper and he did it perfectly well. Took a picture of everything from start to finish. When he was finish he had posted this on FB

"I just changed my first diaper! Was nervous and no I didn't barf. It felt so good and made me so proud of Ryan. I now know the feeling of love for ones child. We love you and surely will miss you. We will be together again someday."

I am so proud of Steve he did great with everything from the time he arrived. He is so supportive and helpful. I know our son is very, very proud of his father. Like Steve's sister said "he truly lived up to his husband title and I know mom is proud of him, I know I am." He really did live up to his husband and father title. I don't know what I would have done without him. As the night started get later and later we were falling asleep running about 7 hours off sleep. Still trying to fight of sleeping and next thing I knew it was 630am! 4th of July.

Part 2 continued... July 2, 2010

First picture with daddy after a 7 hour drive from Virginia all he wanted was to see his son. As I was being taken care of by the wonderful nurses of L&D he held his son and rocked him. I was in a catheter for almost 12 hours. Bloodx3 bags and plasmax4 bags and 10 hours later I was done with all three. Of course I wasn't done with my medication doctor order antibiotic IV every 6 hours until I was discharged on 4th of July. I was finally free of the catheter around 530pm and I could finally drink juice/water that my nurse gave me. I was going to miss my nurse as she only worked in L&D and was off on the weekends. I was on my way to the the Hematology unit just because I opted not to be in the L&D while I recovered. But before she left, she helped me to the bathroom and helped me get cleaned up. As I made my way back to my bed she had already cleaned my bed and grabbed more warm blankets even though I only had about an hour left before I was moved. She was a handful of nurses that I know that cares about their jobs and very sincere. Though I could tell she was about my age I knew she loved her job and taking care of me and it showed a lot.

As I made my way to my new room on the 4th floor Steve wanted to wheel the bassinet himself. For the most of the 18 hours I still felt out of it. Some of my memories will trigger from time to time but mostly it seems a bit hazy still. By 730pm I could feel the pain medication start to wear off. The IV started to sting, joints started to hurt and my muscles started to ache so bad. Before I felt all the pain I summed up the strength to sit up and take a family picture with Steve and Ryan.

By the time my family brought us food, I could barely chew. I remember my nurse coming in and saying "you have a lot of family here, I know they can be overwhelming. So if you need me to tell them to leave, just press the button and say you are cramping. I will take care of them." That made me smile a bit.

After dinner which was about 10pm I tried not to fall asleep just to maximize our time with our son. Steve and I fought so hard not to sleep and just wanted to hold him every time we could. Steve is so amazing and so supportive. Anytime I needed him he would tell Ryan "I will be back I need to help mommy." Just broke my heart, I tried with every bit of energy I had to get myself up. I even minimize the help I asked from him just so he could spend as much time as he could with Ryan like taking pictures of him, making videos with him or just talking to him. I knew the time we had with Ryan was limited and we were running out of time.

There were times where I couldn't even hold him I was so weak, Steve would explain to Ryan why I couldn't hold him. He would say "Mommy is eating so she will have the strength to hold you." I wanted to keep him forever and just hold him. I tried my hardest to eat and regain my strength just so I can hold my precious boy in my arms. I would cry when Steve would have to put him back in his bassinet because my strength kept failing me.

The day our life was turned upside down.

20 weeks and 3 days (July 2, 2010)

I woke up feeling the need to pee. I got up still sleepy but made my way to the bathroom as I sat down I found blood in my underwear. It was about 330am I called my doctor and asked what I should do. I started to feel cramping as she was telling "If the bleeding persists contact the office around 830 am and we will see you right away, but if you feel the cramping is not going away call me back in 30 minutes." So I said okay I changed my underwear and called my husband. It was really odd that he actually answered right away still sleepy but he answered. I told him what happened and I told him I would call him back.

So I paced myself back in forth for about 10 mins seeing if the cramping will go away and suddenly I felt something coming out, I made my way downstairs with only a tank top and shirt on and in my underwear also calling my doctor back and as I explained to the nurse she told me to call 911. (I have never called 911 or been admitted to the hospital and I was doing all this in one day) about 355am I hung up with the nurse and called 911 as soon as the caller took my call my water broke. Frantically I told the 911 to send an ambulance to please help me and my baby. As I finish my sentence my son was born as he came out quickly I caught him with the free hand I had. As he came out his umbilical cord busted and I just kept bleeding. I felt him move and felt that he gasped for air a few time. I was still yelling "save my baby please where's the ambulance?" As the lady on the phone said "Ma'am can you find something warm to wrap your baby. As I did I almost slipped on the pool of blood. only thing I could find was my old and worn out "Navy" t-shirt that I would wear around the house that Steve bought for me a few years back. About 10 mins later a fire chief had shown up with 2 firemen. I pleaded with him to save my son. To please look at him first I didn't care what happened to me I wanted all their attention to my son. So the fire chief had check for my son's heartbeat and he didn't have one. As I gave him to the fire chief they started to take my vitals blood was still coming out. A few minutes later the ambulance had arrived and I was being place on a gurney and being wheeled out of my house. I made sure they lock the door and took my back pack which had my phone and other essentials I needed and they also grabbed a pair of shoes for me. I could still feel the blood coming out as I was wheeled in the ambulance. Oxygen mask over me, 2 IV lines being started. As one of the paramedic tried to calm me down all I could ask for is my son, where was he and is he going to the hospital. The paramedic reassured me that he was in the ambulance with me and he was still with the fire chief sitting up front. As I was being rush to the hospital I heard the ambulance's sirens and me saying "My husband is gonna be mad at me, my husband is gonna be mad at me, I couldn't save our son." Paramedic kept reassuring me that Steve wouldn't be mad and that I did everything I could. Even now I still believe Steve would be mad and someday blame me.

As I was being wheeled to my room starting to feel hazy and light-headed I had thanked the paramedic. Blood was still gushing out as I was transferred to my bed. A few mins later my doctor comes and I could faintly hear what her and her nurses were talking about. As she came closer she tried to examine me and could tell that the placenta was not completely out so she SHOVED her hand up there and tried to feel for the placenta... That was the most painful 1 minute of my life. I didn't know at the time what she was doing and I felt that I was going to rip the side bars off my bed. She would not explain the other nurses were telling me what she was doing and what was happening. Then she had stopped and said I needed to be prepped to go to the OR and get the anesthesiologist down here to come talk to me. I had about 3-4 blankets on top of me to keep me warm. I was hovering about 60/20 bp. One of the nurses came and said "is there anyone you would like to call?" So I weakly said "I would like to call my husband can you hand me my cellphone in my backpack please?" As I was dialing and dreadfully didn't want to tell him our son had been born and had died. Hoping he wouldn't yell or be mad. As he picked up the phone I explained to him what happened, that I was in the hospital being prepped for the OR and that our son had just passed away. He was getting ready for work and this was around 530am. As I hung up with him I started to cry once again telling myself that he would be mad at me for not saving our son. A nurse had heard me and tried to console me and saying that it isn't my fault. A different nurse had came in and ask to sign some papers of "advance directive", anesthesia and other things I could not remember. As I was being taken to the OR the anesthesiologist had arrived and came to talk to me about the side effects and dangers of anesthesia (paralysis, brain damage and even death????). I signed it and within seconds I was receiving a mask with the anesthesia. In about 10 secs I was trying to fight it off because of the smell and I couldn't breathe and that was the last thing I remembered.


I had came around about 730 am still in the OR recovery area and my nurse for the day was being prepped of my situation and as she finished she and another nurse wheeled me back in my room. I was so thirsty and one of the nurses had to sneak in some ice chips for me, it was all I could take. Ashli and a few other nurses took really good care of me. Once I was situated my pillow was just right all my IV's were set blood being pumped into my left hand and plasma in my right hand. I finally got a chance to call Steve. As I got my cellphone out I had missed 12 calls. Seeing that the last call was from his work I thought I would try to call that place first. As I finished dialing the number and by the time someone answered I only heard the last part of the greeting. I asked for Steve and said that he has left. So I contacted him on his cellphone and he had just got on the freeway. I felt so weak and he said "they are giving me until Thursday to come back. How are you? What is our baby's name?" I had let him choose and he picked Ryan Alexander, which we have been talking about that combo since we found out he was a boy. I said Ok I love that name. I had to hang up with him since I could barely hold my hand and I told him I would call back in an hour.

Ashli had walked in to check on me and asked if I wanted to see our boy and I said yes. She asked me if we had a name picked out and I said "his name is Ryan Alexander" At around 830am as I was holding my sweet boy for the first time in 4 hours I cried again saying "I am so sorry. Please don't be mad at me." just repeating it over and over. After that I had taken some first pictures with him.

First picture with Ryan and I

Ashli had given me some time with Ryan instead of her checking up on me every 10 to 15 mins she checked on me every 30 mins. It was about 930 or so when my family came to see me, I told Ashli not to let them in until she takes Ryan I wanted Steve to be the first to see him than anyone else. As she led my family to the waiting room she had brought in more warm blankets to replace my old and cold blankets. She took Ryan and brought my family inside my room. My family came and check on me for an hour and then they headed to my house to clean the mess I made. I asked for a request that tomorrow to make Steve all his favorite food for his birthday pork adobo, pancit, and lumpia. As my aunts and uncles left they promise they would make it and that they would stop by again at night to bring me food and anything else I needed.

To be continued on my next post.

Week 19

Week 19 of my pregnancy was very memorable it was the week we found out we were having a baby boy. June 23, 2010 I was 19 weeks and 1 day (wednesday) strong heartbeat, all 4 chambers of his heart was developing well. Brain was developing with no fluid buildup. Spine was perfect. Umbilical cord perfect. All the long bones were progressing well. Saw his feet. Stomach was progressing well. I was sooo happy everything in my ultrasound went well. Then I saw my OB and she ordered an early glucose test so with the ultrasound, doctor visit, blood draw/glucose test I was at the doctor's for 3 hours but it was all worth it. She was just concerned with my glucose levels were a bit high. The day we found out Steve was already back in his room trying to get some rest before work again that afternoon. He woke up just to hear the news "honey we are having a son." Steve was in total shock that we finally knew the gender. He wanted a girl but once he knew we were having a baby boy he was so thrilled. He called me that night and said "we are going to have a son" I just started to cry. I was happy he wasn't disappointed baby boy wasn't a girl.

That Friday I had a couple hours to spare before my college graduation and I talked Steve into doing our baby registry since we knew Ryan is a boy! He was so excited he actually took time looking at diaper bags and strollers/car seats. He took about 10 mins just looking at the diaper bags. We took about 30 mins just looking at the bottles, bibs, bath items, and feeding items. We skipped the big items such as furniture, strollers, and bassinets. Steve took time in most of the things he hand picked himself like the bibs, blankets, and colors for the mattresses and changing pad. Always asking "is this safe" and "are you sure he needs it not you" made me laugh. We chose clothes, booties, hats and mittens. I remember that day like it was yesterday. He was soooooo excited for his son. That weekend he would talk to him like any other days he was home from Virginia, he would always talk to him. He refers to Ryan as "my son" or "i love you son" which melted my heart. The night before he left he said "come on son kick me in the face, come on kick me" They had that bond that would last forever. Even though he didn't hear Ryan's heartbeat or even feel him kick, I knew he loved him very much.

Video chatting with Steve almost everyday was great he would say "here's a kiss for the baby" and he would blow kisses to me and i would catch it and put it on my belly. Every so often he would ask "can i see our baby" I would stand up and show him Ryan. Made me cry because I knew he was ready to be a father even though he was scared and not knowing what to do, I knew he was ready. Most nights when I wasn't tired I would talk to Ryan. Most conversations before we knew the gender was "Hey baby, I know daddy isn't here but just know he is working hard for the both of us. I know you are proud of him and soon we will be together." One time I was talking to Ryan telling him how Steve and I met and how Steve proposed. Also I say "Hey baby, we can't wait to meet you. Everyone is really excited of your arrival." I just loved talking to Ryan. Even saying "Okay time for breakfast or time to nap." Just certain things that help me get through the night.

First and second trimester

Felt really good since the day I found out. I stopped all caffeine intake, started to eat better, taking my prenatal vitamin everyday, glass of milk when I could drink it. Pregnancy was going very well no nausea, morning sickness or any other side effects. I only had nausea once when I was going to Virginia I was riding in the back, mainly it was car sick but felt like nausea too. Only thing I had was food aversion I did not like my cooking especially dinner type stuff. Which I mainly ate fruits and cereals and anything people cooked for me. I was super tired but it was expected in the first trimester however I did start to get my energy around 18 weeks. I felt like I could actually do things without getting tired so easily.

my first ultrasound with baby Ryan

10 Weeks Old!

First ultrasound April 21, 2010 (auntie rose's birthday). Steve left 6 days ago and he was so happy when I called him with the news, strong heartbeat and 10weeks old! He wanted to be the first so I frantically scanned it on Facebook he was so happy after a few minutes he made it to his profile picture and then we both posted it. Well over 100 comments poured on both of our pages. Another happy day. He was so happy showed it to everyone he knew.